LGT's Jokes Page

A small selection of jokes doing the e-mail round. Well these are the ones which made me laugh:

Every year, John gave a big party at his house on New Year's Eve. One year, when the party was in full swing, there was a knock on the door. John opened it and looked around, but couldn't see anyone. He was about to shut the door when a little voice said, "Oi! I'm down here!"

Looking down, John saw a snail. "Whadda you want?" John sneered.

"I wanna join the party" said the snail.

John picked up the snail and threw it as far as he could. "Get lost!" he shouted after it.

Next year, John was holding his New Year party as usual, when there was a knock at the door. He opened it, and there on the doorstep was the snail. "What did you do that for?" it asked.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

The following are new Microsoft Windows messages that are under
consideration for the next planned Windows update

After an error-warning, you see any of these messages displayed:

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2.Enter any 11-digit prime-number to continue.
3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
11.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
12.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
13.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
14.User Error: Replace user.

What does a man with two left feet take on Holiday?

Flip Flips

A gambler walks into a Butcher's shop. The Butcher says to him "I bet you 50 you can't get that piece of meat off the ceiling."


The Gambler says, "No bet mate. The stakes are too high."

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my God!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behaviour..."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Things to ponder...

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When sign writers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Apparently true stories from technical help lines:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5 1/4) diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labelled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bath with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.



He who laughs last thinks slowest.

A man goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar, and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a tie to gain admission. So the man goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his boot. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well okay, you can come in - just don't start anything."

A rabbit goes into a pub. "Do you do food?" he asked.

"Well we do toasties," the barman replied, "Ham, or cheese and tomato."

The rabbit had a ham toastie and a pint of beer. When he had finished,

he asked for a cheese and tomato toastie. And when he had finished

this, he fell down - stone dead.

That evening, at midnight, the ghost of the rabbit appeared. The barman

asked him what he had died of.

"Mixin' ma toasties."

Two cows are standing in a paddock.
First cow: I'm a bit concerned about this mad cow disease that's going around.
Second cow: I'm not worried, it doesn't affect penguins.

I say, I say, I say.  My friend just drowned in a bowl of muesli.

How did that happen?

A strong currant pulled him under.

 

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